"POOF!"

I have heard so many people discuss their experience of having been unlucky in the area of relationships for a lot of their lives until the moment they finally decided to learn how to feel absolutely awesome with the possibility that they may spend the rest of their life alone. At this point, "POOF!", in walked love. This has been something that has been on my mind lately, but not only in terms of relationships. Up to this point in my life, relationships have seemed to elude me as well, so of course this topic intrigues me. I am most interested in it, however, in regards to anything any of us truly desire that seems to be eluding us. This same story can be said for the person who finally threw in the towel with "making it" as a performer and as soon as they took that day job, "POOF!", they got their big break. It can be said for the couple who desperately wants to have a baby who try every method they can spend their time, money, and energy on only to finally adopt and, "POOF!", become pregnant. Our world is littered with stories of people who are struggling to live their dreams being led to believe that it's because they "want it too much". Somehow, deep within the core of our passion is a fine line we seem to be on the wrong side of called need. No one provides a map to this troubled territory. GPS technology doesn't work there yet. You can send a text for help, but once you are in there it seems you've just got to figure it out for yourself.

So I get that this fine line is really the point where pure and authentic love meets fear and doubt. I understand how those of us operating from a place of need are more apt to push that which we want the most just out of reach. I understand that it is in the moment of need that we are believing that we don't have enough money, we are not yet where we wish to be, who we wish to be, or not yet in love. We are believing that we are not good enough, not talented enough, not lovable, not valued, not secure. I understand that, when we stand on the wrong side of that fuzzy line, it is the focus we put on these thoughts that create in our experience exactly those things. We create experiences in which we come close to what we want only to come up short. We create experiences in which our friends and colleagues whom we love and respect get to be, do, have exactly what we want. We see other people living our dreams all around us and it hurts. It hurts because we want to be happy for them, and we are, but somehow this also makes us horribly unhappy and jealous. I am never proud of myself when I feel this way but I am starting to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel about it. No, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with just one toe on the side of passion and the rest of my heavy and bitter self chillin' on the "other" side. But yes, I am grateful I am being given such a STRONG and undeniable emotion. This is an opportunity to examine my limiting beliefs and change them. It is that simple, though for some reason it never feels that way.

As I focus my thoughts in that direction, I have some questions. I will use the example of love that I began with, since it has been a hot topic amongst friends recently and is obviously something I'd like as well. We know that all this LOA stuff isn't about just sitting on your butt and wishing things into existence without any action. We also know, thanks to Jeannette, that unless this action is inspired (you are just doing it because you think you "have to") it probably isn't going to get you where you want to be and you may feel like crap. So you've reached that moment in your search for love where you want to accept and embrace the possibility of being alone for good. You realize how helpful this will be whether you find someone or not. You are ready. When I imagine myself doing this, I get a little perplexed. I have always had a profile up on a free dating site online. It keeps me entertained from time to time and gives me that little boost when nothing else is happening. I rarely seem to meet people in the "real world" and every so often...this is my only means to having a date at all! Often though, I am truly not looking. I am not even interested in the replies I am getting on there and wonder if keeping my profile up is still some way of saying "I'm still searching...I'm still searching!". So I am often tempted to sign off of it for a while. Does that mean I am no longer open to all possibilities? How do I still remain open without "searching"? I am finding myself thinking about dating people I never would have imagined taking a chance with when I was younger. Generally my intuition is pretty rockin', so this doesn't always turn out that well. I am doing it, though, because I am trying to remain open. What if I am missing out on some incredible lovin' just because he isn't really "my type", and didn't immediately get my hormones goin'? Is this me being open and allowing for all possibilities? Or is this not trusting that I can find someone who truly IS all of those things and more who will also be interested in me?

Whether we are focused on a career goal, a love relationship, a new living situation, or anything else we desire, there are some fuzzy fine lines I can't seem to figure out.

1. How do you step fully over to the side of passion instead of need, when you almost can't tell them apart?
2. How do you stay focused on your exact passion/dream, in all it's exquisite and specific detail, while remaining open to receiving what you need in the form of something close to what you have always desired that doesn't quite look the same? At what point are you settling for something less than you deserve?

I guess what I'm saying is....I want my "POOF!"!!

Please let me hear what you think about this. I would be so grateful for your perspective!

"Trust Your Intuition, the Universe is Guiding your Life"

The subject of this post is a fortune I received in a fortune cookie many years ago now. And I have always really loved it.

Well, it certainly has been a long while, and I apologize for that. To myself mostly, as I am certain I am the only one who has noticed. I didn't stop recognizing the guidance, love, support, and creativity around me...I just stopped documenting it. I actually did do it a little while longer in my notebook and not on this blog. Not that any of that matters now. So here we are...many months later, and I would like to begin again. It seems that noticing the love, support, and creativity in my world always seems a bit easier than recognizing the guidance. So I thought this return-post would best be used to recognize as much of the huge guiding moments I have had the privilege of receiving thus far in life. Not to discount any of the smaller guiding moments, as I am grateful for them all...but I could really use a bigger one lately and they always seemed to come so easily just when I needed them in the past.

My very first undeniable experience of absolute and magical guidance was receiving the opportunity to perform on a cruise ship for the first time. After some prior thoughts about how fun that would be a few months earlier, and with the intention to eventually put an audition video together...I had almost forgotten about it. Then one day, returning from a non-performing job that had just fallen through much earlier than anticipated, I walked in the door with my bags still packed to a voicemail from a guy looking for funny woman for a ship. Being from a city with three rivers and many river boat cruises, I imagined he was referring to one of those. Much to my surprise, I had been recommended by a former classmate to work on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship!!! At the time, all I had really done as a performer was sing. This wasn't a job for a singer...it was a job doing interactive and improv comedy, walking on stilts, clowning around. After I put together a last minute audition tape with my brother's help I got the call that I was hired and less than two weeks later I was sitting in my hotel room in Miami about to board my cruise ship the next morning! This was my single-most magical moment in my adult life thus far. It affirmed my aspirations as a professional performer as well as challenged my idea of my own capabilities beyond just singing. I did two contracts in this role and got myself a contract as a singer as well. This job was the absolute best job of my life, in enjoyment, growth, and pay!

I had that experience before I knew anything at all about how the Universe works. I have never been all that religious but this was an experience that made it impossible to deny that someone or something else is at play in this world. I knew in that moment that I was being supported by something magical. Within the next few years I began to learn a bit more about what that might be, but I wouldn't gain full understanding of it for many more years.

I think that experienced deserved a full description, but for the sake of time and anyone who may actually read this outside of myself, I will just list the rest of my guiding moments without so many details!

- My move to NYC, even after initial friends/roommmates deserted their plans was quite easy. I did some searching for strangers to live with, because I was GOING to still move. On a bizarre/magical evening I ran into an old friend who connected me with someone who knew someone looking for a roommate. All the pieces fit together and I was in NY a month later.

Upon living here in NYC, not a whole lot has really been "easy"...but, then again, no one moves to NYC to have it easy. We are all semi-masochists. We move here for the challenge. Some move within a year or two. Some of us are just sicker than others. But as difficult as it is, those magical guiding moments and achievements pack an even bigger punch.

- My job at a fantastic off-Broadway theatre's box office through a friend from college.
- The close friends that I have connected with here over these many years.
- The talks in that box office that led to my discovery of LOA things long before and much more interesting than "The Secret".
- The connection of my new roommates when the time became necessary to find them and a new place.
- Finding our perfect apartment and having many incredible experiences in it.
- Getting cast in my favorite show and finding continued guidance through the lyrics and experience of being a part of it when I did.
- Every show I have ever been fortunate enough to be a part of even the wonky ones!
- Having that director seek me out for one of my dream roles even though I somehow had an entirely wrong phone number printed on my resume.
- Working at a theatre that continued to use me for incredible roles/shows for the next 4 summers.
- The work at another theatre that came from the theatre mentioned before.
- The job I took that took me away from the box office which, while it seemed limiting at times, provided me with several things I needed when I needed them along with an awesome job to return to a year later on a part-time basis.
- Singing with the bands I had the chance to sing with, never having previously imagined myself performing in those genres/bars.
- Finding my last relationship exactly when I NEEDED it for many reasons in my world after a very specific request to the Universe.
- During a time when I wasn't sure whether to move back home or stay in NYC based on my mom's health situation, finding a very clear answer for the moment in getting cast without auditioning at a theatre I had previously worked at. Having the chance to do an amazing role and sing one of my favorite songs in one of the most NYC shows of all time.
- Meeting an incredible new friend and confidante at my recent full-time job.
- Having the opportunity to accept benefits just when I needed them for some dental and medical issues.
- I am still figuring out some of the reasons I held that full-time job for the past year (nearly) before getting let go.
- Getting let go from that job, even though I could have used it financially for a bit longer has always felt like it was the right thing to happen...though I am still in the midst of understanding exactly why.

So I am back.

I welcome and recognize any and all guidance, love, support, and creativity from everyone and everything that surrounds me.

No Guidance Counselor Required

Well, I hope that my absence from this actual space hasn't led you to believe that I have shirked my intention of recognizing that which is most important to me lately and then documenting it. I have had a hard time getting my observations onto this blog, but I have still been accountable to the trusty lil' notebook I keep near my bed to jot down the random doo-dads I can recall from my dreams.

So yes, yes there has been absolutely OODLES of LOVE all around me. I am hangin' with my mother right now...so that is just a given. I always feel so supported and loved by her and am doing everything I can right now to return all of that and more as I help her this week.

I have also heard from my best friend a few times this week, either by phone or online. Love was present as I had some of my first delicious foods since having my wisdom teeth out 2 weeks ago! Sausage and pancakes, a delicious burger...chinese food...frozen custard! I may not have been eating healthy...but I loved what I ate! I accompanied my mother to her checkup after her surgery and could hear nothing but love as she spoke to the surgeon about her work as a physician's assistant. I recognized how he supported her by asking her questions so she could continue to enjoy sharing her successes. I honestly love how amazing my mother is in general, but definitely for achieving what made her most happy!

I had taken a walk around my block here, in the neighborhood I grew up in. I can't help but love the way it felt to breathe in the familiar air here. I loved how every rock on the street and bend in the road tickled my memories of my childhood. I enjoyed creativity in the architecture of the houses, and the landscapes of the lawns. It's hard to deny the creativity inherent in nature on it's own. At once both highly complex yet simple, nature is the epitome of creativity. I appreciated the support my body gave me as I strolled the hills it wasn't used to anymore. And the familiarity of the road guided me all the way back home.


These are just a few of my observations this week (I am too lazy right now to get that notebook upstairs!). The one thing I have noticed is a teeny bit harder for me to recognize is guidance. Not that I am without some entirely, mind you. It's just been more of a stretch to find. I enjoyed my mother offering her advice to a troubling situation I have, which is definitely guidance. I am receiving information online from my favorite coach that is directly connected to questions I had for her this week. So it is there...but I am in need of opening my eyes even more to it!


And so, I shall!

Guidance, Love, Security, and Creativity are truly all around!

Guidance, Love, Support, and Creativity

Well I am not even done with my full day here yet, and I am just bursting with excitement to document all the ways I have seen Guidance, Love, Support, and Creativity revealed to me in everyone and everything I have done today.

I found it in myself to find support for my mother today as I accompanied her to the dentist. The staff there was sweet and caring, and I suppose I was supporting my mother in general just by helping her there. But it was on our way out a woman went out of her way to compliment me on the color of my hair. I definitely think that was a combination of love and support that she didn't need to go out of her way to do, but she did.

Then we enjoyed some lunch at a restaurant my mom visits often and I got to meet one of the sweet servers who my mom always raves about there. Watching them interact, the love and support was absolutely undeniable.

Just moments after I wrote this post last night, I found info that directed me to the TED Talks that I mentioned in my first post. I could not stop watching different videos on there and many were so insightful to the depression I was feeling. They revealed some perspective for me about why I might be feeling so unhappy in regards to the downfall of having too many choices. The other talk focused on how we actually can manufacture our own happiness, even in the face of adversity or negative circumstances, and how that synthetic happiness is just as valuable as "real" happiness. If this wasn't all guidance, I don't know what is.

As far as creativity...I was doing my doodles all throughout watching these talks. I had received a call about a day ago that I returned today about a possible performing project I am being considered for. When I got to check out a little more about it and speak with the creator, I couldn't help but feel good. He was impressed with some of what I have done and the roles I have performed and I am excited to meet with them.

It didn't hurt that Oprah had a show on today about everyday heros who are helping people out in these hard times. I think it is in the next issue of People Magazine actually. Anyway, these stories were nothing BUT delicious examples of normal indiviuals, without tons of money who found ways to help people in need with resources they already had, or could get with a little creativity. It goes without saying that this demonstrated Love and Support!

We are off to a great start!

Let's do this.

Well, I have hit a pinnacle moment for myself I think. And because I think it, I have. I have been feeling rather lost as of late. I hit a point of sadness tonight in which I, once again asked for Universe, and any and all of my possible guardian angels known and unknown for guidance. Guidance in general, but also guidance to love, creativity and support from everyone and everything that surrounds me at all times. But along with my asking for and welcoming this into my life, I know I have to set the intention to see that guidance, love, creativity, and support in everything I do and in everyone I meet. I want to have a place to remain accountable to that intention, and so I will come here, if only for myself, should no one else ever read this!

Well, just a short time after deciding this, I happened on some TED talks that absolutely have shifted my perspective, and I am certainly not going to miss an opportunity to notice this bit of guidance out of my recent low. I think I have fallen victim to having entirely too many choices myself, and becoming depressed as a result. Have you?

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html

and what is "synthetic happiness"?

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html